Funny Jewish Quotes

Hey everyone! Today has been a funny day (complete with Ari’s story from the Census training, where “military barracks” became “military borekas”), so I decided that instead of the traditional blog post, I’m going to put in some of my favorite funny quotes. Now, before you accuse me of being lazy, hold it right there! You will get a recipe today – and a photo! Woo-hoo!

So here they are, some of my favorite funny quotes, including one from me:

“Koolaid is goyish. All Drake’s Cakes are goyish. Pumpernickel is Jewish, and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. Instant potatoes – goyish. Black cherry soda’s very Jewish. Macaroons are very Jewish – very Jewish cake. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is goyish. Lime soda is very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that Jews won’t go near them.” –Lenny Bruce

“Luck is not a lady for me right now. Rather, it is an elementary school bully that is wonderfully adept at stealing your lunch money on a regular day basis.” –Me

“There’s only one difference between Jews and Catholics. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.” –Elayne Boosler

“True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. “ Erich Segal

“I don’t believe in the afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.” – Woody Allen

“No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.” –Henry Kissinger

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” –George Burns

“When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.” –Elayne Boosler

“Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” –Jack Benny

“For every ten Jews beating their breasts, G-d designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast-beaters. By the time I was five, I knew I was that one.” –Mel Brooks

“My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada.” –David Steinberg

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” –Albert Einstein

“I once complained to my father that I didn’t seem to be able to do things the same way other people did. Dad’s advice? ‘Margo, don’t be a sheep. People hate sheep. They eat sheep.’” –Margo Kaufman

“I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can’t make it through one door, I’ll go through another door – or I’ll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.” –Joan Rivers

So now that we have our great quotes, it’s time for our amazing recipe: Onion tart, with a pic!

ONION TART

3 large onions

3 tablespoons butter and/or olive oil

1 ready-made pie crust

1 small container of semi-soft cheese, like Alouette or Boursin

1 cup shredded or sliced mozzarella cheese

½ cup parmesan cheese

¼ cup pine nuts (optional)

Slice the onions. Meanwhile, heat the butter/oil in a large skillet. Once hot, add the onions. Allow to cook down for 30-40 minutes over medium-high heat, until they are carmelized.

While this is happening, slightly underbake the pie crust according to package directions. Once cooled, add the semi-soft cheese at the bottom (don’t worry about evenly spacing it out). Add the hot carmelized onions on top of the cheese. Sprinkle the mozzarella and parmesan on top, and add the pine nuts.

Turn up the oven heat to 450 degrees. Place the tart in the oven and allow to cook for about five minutes, or until the cheese turns golden brown. Slice and serve hot. It’s pretty to look at, too!

QUICK TIP: These can be done with mini phyllo shells to make a hors d’oeuvre. Just use less cheese and onion in each one, and bake for less time.

P'tayavon!