Love and other crazy things

Friday night, I went to the Moishe House in Laguna Beach for Shabbat dinner. I made lasagna Florentine (see the recipe here) and came ready for a relationships-oriented dinner. As the speaker came up, the conversation began to flow regarding relationships, not to mention all the jokes that seemed to come with it. Me being the loudmouth that I am, I made sure to bring my expertise, what with being married and all, into the conversation.

The next night, at Hookahs and Hamentashen, the big Orange County Purim Party, I talked to Parker, one of the roommates at the Moishe House. Paker and I seemed to click with each other as friends from the get-go – particularly because we both love cooking, although he’s actually in business with it (see his website, SmartPlanetKitchen.com, for more info about it).

“Reina, I am so glad you were honest last night,” he said. “It’s hard to be honest about something like that.”

We talked for a little bit as we tried not to stuff all the hamentashen in our mouths. But I came out of it with an understanding that Ari and I have a unique relationship compared to others. We broke all the rules that most relationship experts would consider scandalous. But somehow, we just knew we were going to be together, so the fact was that we just had be honest and tackle issues head on: stories of psycho ex-girlfriends, traumatic life experiences, our beliefs and what we want out of our lives. We saw each other a lot, and nothing was ever taboo.

The fact that our relationship was completely uncensored was something that made a huge difference in the long run. I know I will be yelled at by several sex therapists if they read this, but relationships needing rules takes all the fun out of them. Hell, Ari and I didn’t even go out on an actual date until a month after we were together! But that date was a lot more meaningful than any other date I had ever been on.

All in all, you should make your own rules when it comes to relationships. However, I do have some general laws that I have come up with, upon talking with all my friends regarding their dating experiences. You may have seen this note on Facebook. This is in lieu of a recipe today. Please follow if you are going out with someone:

1) Be nice. Just because a person you meet may not be your physical ideal doesn't mean you shouldn't give up your manners. Talk, get to know the person, be polite -- you may be surprised. And for G-d sakes, don't tell them they're fat, ugly or immature.

2) Unless there is something really going on, don't talk about sex, and certainly don't initiate it on the first date unless you and the other person are really feeling it. Although there are plenty of marriages that got the sex part out of the way early (don’t ask me how I know this), most people should take their time. We want to know you first. We can get to know your fetishes later.

3) Be open. I'm not saying lay it out on the first date. But I am saying that if you really want to date successfully, especially for a relationship, that person has to know other parts of your life, even the times you may not want to talk about. Walls are not for dating. They're for your house and Berlin.

4) Don't be too quick to judge -- a lot of people end up marrying the people that they never thought originally that they would even be with. Let that person be who they are when you're with them, and make sure that you look at them carefully before you reject them.

5) Trust your instincts. If a red flag shows up on a date, don't ignore that red flag, i.e., ladies, if you date a guy who you find out has serious mommy issues. Oh, and by the way, mommy issues are BAD NEWS.

6) Everyone comes into dating with some form of baggage, whether it's a first date or a new relationship. Don't let your baggage get in the way of your happiness. You may say you have issues? Guess what -- everyone has them, and those who learn to deal are better to date.

7) Your values should match up. If you're dating a guy who wants six kids, and you don't want any, that's a sign that this relationship, no matter how much you work at it and how nice that person is, isn't going to happen. Serious conversations -- some of which can happen immediately, others which should probably happen later -- could help you get to the root of this.

8) You remember the golden rule, right? No, it's not "Whoever has the gold makes the rules," it's "Do unto others as they would do unto you." This is a great rule for dating. Use it properly, including not treating your date like crap. This also includes, fellas, being a gentleman to your lady, and ladies, this means not being a total bitch.

9) Be honest with the person. If you're not going to call them, don't say you will. If you don't want to date them anymore, let them down (gently). Don't be low and disappear, or walk away for a month and then come back and say, "Oh, I have someone new, thanks for being such a good friend." Don't lead people on. If you're dating multiple people, let us know. If you're not ready for a serious commitment, tell us. I think that if you're not honest while dating, you're only cheating yourself. I'm sorry, that means you can't even make up what you do for a living.

10) Above all, don't be afraid, and don't give up. Yes, dating is a total crapshoot. But that beautiful someone is out there, wondering why the hell they can't find amazing you. Keep going!

And a quick note to finish this off, as another rule of dating: Guys, take initiative. If you don’t, you’re going to be sitting in the corning mumbling to yourself regrets while the girl is busy with some other guy who actually did take the step forward to talk to her. True, if you take initiative, that does mean having to pay for dates and such, but we don’t ask for much: A cup of coffee will do, or you making us a nice meal (if you can’t do that, order takeout and do a cute little picnic). But isn’t finding the love of your life worth the investment?